mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
