shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
