Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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