Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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