ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize