god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize