So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
