It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
