i permit you to call me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
