i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
