bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
