so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
