Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I pour the whiskey from now on
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
