oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
