I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my shit smells like andre
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
