i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
