Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
