its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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