You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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