"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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