You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
