so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
