woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
