The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
