my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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