Quick, to the slutcave!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
