Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
