I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
