Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
