i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
