Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize