I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
