I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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