I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
