i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
