What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
