update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
