i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
