I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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