This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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