Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
