Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize