My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
