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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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