I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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