Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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