Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
