oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
