So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
