You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
