Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
