***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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