I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
