bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
