we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
