does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
