I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
