Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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