he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
