The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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