Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
