Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
