At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
