You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
